One of my favorite months.

I love February.  I love Valentines Day.  I know it's probably one of the cheesiest holidays, and everyone thinks it's a "Hallmark Holiday" but I don't care.  
This weekend will be a busy one.  My dad is flying in this morning (yippee!- I haven't seen him in a year, hello?) and tomorrow is Greyson's birthday party.  He got to invite 4 of his classmates to help him celebrate turning four at "Chuck-a-cheese"  (that's how he says it).  I had to give him a party this year b/c of the whole school thing and how excited he was to be able to invite his school friends.  I just couldn't deny him that excitement and fun.  It will be a small party but it will be exactly what he wanted.  He is beyond excited!

These last 4 years have been quite a rollercoaster, but everything happens for a reason and I was meant to be this guy's mother.  I'm no expert at being a mom..I've actually thought that the moment he was born and ever since then almost 4 years ago I've been open to the thought that I'm learning each and every single day. 
This little boy of mine is my son (it's so cool to say that) where I have to help shape his life, how he views people, situations, himself. I want more than anything for my little Greyson to have a good sense of who he is, to be confident, to have self love, to be strong, to have a good sense of humor and to love all those in his life. Right now that last comment is easy...he gets excited when I walk in the room. He doesn't care what I look like, if I've showered or not. He just smiles at me every morning when he wakes up, he smiles at me when I call his name or give him a kiss.  He's a happy little boy and I hope every day he looks at life with fresh eyes like he has done for the past 4 years.

For myself as a mom to this adorable little person...I did myself a favor and I put down the "how to books" and began listening to my heart. I know this little boy is growing up so fast..he's already reading and spelling in school. So I've made it a goal to really enjoy him at this moment. I may rock him more than most, I may opt not to get ready and just lay in my bed with this guy, giving and getting kisses, listening to his little voice tell me stories or about his dreams. I've always wanted to look back on these days with no regret and know that I've taken it all in. I'm just following my mother instincts.

As I was thinking about this post, I was rocking my little boy to sleep, holding his hand, kissing his cheeks. I looked over and saw this framed reminder of something someone gave me over 4 years ago.... I remember reading it for the first time and I bawled (most of it was the pregnant hormones that we are all blessed with) but it says it all and it's perfect and it still makes me cry...

"Motherhood is the best change your body will go through. 

When you're a mom, suddenly the world is hopeful, happy, an amazing place to raise your child. 

Memories are brighter, and every tiny second starts to count. 

You're measuring your baby in days, months, years. 

The mind of a mother is never her own. 

And now, as you have this little boy in your arms you'll see that you are his life, his example, his nurturer..perfect or not. 

And the beauty is, he doesn't care. He just needs you. Your love is perfect for him. And it doesn't change, if he's a newborn, 7, 28, 50... 

You'll always be his mother. What an honor. What a privilege. It's pure joy. 

You'll learn more about you everyday and you're going to be awesome." 

So from one mom to the next..enjoy that little babe of yours, try not to put yourself down and enjoy all the little and big things because they just grow up way too fast...good thing I'll always be his mom and I'm so blessed that he's always going to be my son.

Happy 4 years my little bugg-a-boo.

When did I get like this?

Oh, the day Greyson was born.

I'm. SO. Tired.

I love my monkies and all, but if they don't stop waking up at 4 a.m. or sooner, I may be forced to sell them to the gypsies.  Just sayin'.

seriously though...

this is a hard post to post b/c it's just sad.  I don't have many readers out there so I feel ok "airing my dirty laundry" on this blog...but mainly I just need an outlet to talk/write about what is going on with me lately.  A year ago I "scheduled" that triplet ultrasound photo as an April Fool's gag... telling the world I am expecting triplets...  not knowing that a year later "then there were three" would take on a whole new meaning.  What I am trying to spit out is that I have made a life changing decision to separate from my husband, so now it's me and the boys... the three of us.  Granted, they see him all of the time, but now I define my family as a family of three.  I don't want to bash the hubs or anything and nothing is legal... we are "trying" this separation to see what happens.  Clearly if all parties are happier apart, then we would move forward with the legal stuff.  I don't want to make any rash decisions.  I certainly would never regret getting married to him... because of him I have the two most amazing boys ever... and they are who they are because of the exact combination of the two of us.  However, he and I just don't work as a couple.  We've been forcing it and it is just not working.  We don't fight, we don't argue... he's actually a good guy- would give me the shirt off his back and jump in front of a train for us... but we are just SOOOOOOOOOOO different.  There are no sparks.  There is no fun.  We don't talk at all.  We don't laugh.  I was once told that I am very motivated by fun... there's some personality test or something that describes what you are motivated by and mine was fun.  I get that.  Especially now.  Fun used to make me think of "not serious" and that someone motivated by fun was just a goof off, but I DO like to have fun and I think that even in the worst of situations a little fun (sarcastic maybe) can be had.  I figure, when something goes sour, I have 2 choices.  I can laugh about it or I can cry about it... I'd rather laugh.  

So... this has been the first week of this separation and it's been tough getting used to a new routine... but I have to believe that I have a right to be happy and to laugh and find joy in every day.  I want that for him too.  I most especially want it for the boys.  If that means having two happy but separate parents, instead of having parents that are together but not having fun or finding joy, then it needs to be separate.  They deserve to learn what happy is.

I am trying to get my happy back.

I am trying to get a fresh start.

Bear with me.  This is all new to me.  Well, technically not new to me since I am a child of divorce.  If it comes to that I SWEAR I will do everything in my power to make it peaceful.  I SWEAR.

Hip Hip Hooray for Greyson

Happy Birthday to my first born. To my "practice" kid (LOL). To my sure to be Type "A" (according to birth order, blah blah blah). You are an amazing guy. I am so proud of you for so many reasons. I am honored to be your mama. You bring joy and love to this world in a way that it will never know. You are sweet and shy at first. You are empathetic and loving. You are hilarious like a mini Jimmy Kimmel. You are so handsome/adorable and sure to be a heart-throb when you get older. You are a charmer. And a negotiater. I am no contest to your negotiation tools (sweet voice, manners)... who could resist? You like to be bossy. You love your brother and make him laugh all of the time. You are the twinkle in his eye... yes sireee you are! He adores you. I mean, so does everyone else that crosses your path.

You can be stubburn and moody (and I mean from 0-60 in a second!), but you usually recover with a little space. You give hugs, say sorry, share and help. You're a talker and I love it! I could do without the repeating over and over of the same statement/question... but I know you are just practicing!

We are celebrating today with a gathering of all superheros, in your honor. I hope you enjoy your party. I love you stronger than Superman!~

Go the F*** to Sleep

I am SO getting this book. Watch this video... it's AWESOME!!!!

Here is the book by Adam Mansbach.

ugh... not again.

Little dude is 7 months old. And about 2-3 months ago I started to get *that* feeling again. *THAT* feeling being one of anxiety and panic. If you recall, I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Anxiety (PPA) after the dude was born. It sucked and it was so bad that I couldn't bear doing it all over again, but I couldn't bear leaving dude without a sibling even more, so I did it again. This time around though, I thought for sure I would have escaped this dreaded disorder. But lo and behold... it's back! It sucks. I hate it. I am SO SICK of feeling sick, nauseated, anxious, and panicky. It's all I can do to just get through the day... work or otherwise. EVERYTHING overwhelms me. The thought of doing ANYTHING out of routine or off schedule panics me even more. Obviously I manage it by keeping things to a minimum... no extra-curriculare activities, sticking to a routine, etc. BUT... I still feel it. Some days are definately better than others.
WHY I CAN'T JUST BE ONE OF THOSE HAPPY GO-LUCKY MOMS???

So... if you are one of those people that I used to talk to a lot, or hang out with a lot ... sorry... but I have resorted to my cave for awhile... I promise to be my old self again one day.... soon I hope.

a day late... Happy Mother's Day!

Here's hoping all you mothers out there had a great day... the way YOU wanted it to be. For me? A day off was the way to celebrate! And since my husband is going to be gone for a week at a time, I will be getting plenty o' alone time with the kiddos... so I just hung out... ALONE. And I was fine with it! I still got stuff done, so it's not like I was lounging around. But it was just the way I wanted it. Oh yeah, I guess a new iPad would have been fun to find waiting for me on the counter... but a sweet card from the boys was just perfect!

How did you celebrate YOUR Mother's day?

yes sir!

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth, Empty the dustpan, poison the moth, Hang out the washing, make up the bed, Sew on a button and butter the bread. Where is the mother whose house is so shocking? She’s up in the nursery, blissfully rocking. Oh, I’ve grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue, Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo. Dishes are waiting and bills are past due, Lullabye, rockaby, lullabye loo. The shopping’s not done and there’s nothing for stew And out in the yard there’s a hullabaloo, But I’m playing Kanga and this is my Roo,Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo. The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow But children grow up as I’ve learned to my sorrow. So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep! I’m rocking my baby and babies don’t keep. - Author Unknown.

an ode to moms everywhere...

While juggling diaper bags, toys, and sippy cups
You still make room for the hands-raised "pick me up"
Your kiss has the power to heal every boo-boo
And you've cleaned up far more than your fair share of doo-doo
Oh, the questions you've answered, the stories you've told!
Though exhausting at times, we agree, it never gets old
Your job is the most important on earth
A great mom was born on the day you gave birth

via Babycenter.com

so, the daycare lady calls...

let me just start by saying... nothing good ever comes out of that phrase. She never just calls to say "I just wanted to let you know how well the kids are doing today" or "just so you know, the boys ate all of their veggies today." Nope... it's always something that translates into cranky kids + missed work= sad mommy. This time the call comes in as I am on my way to get them yesterday. Whew. At least I didn't have to miss any work YESTERDAY. Turns out the big dude had a fever of 102+ and the little dude was basically cranky and fussy because he too has a cold. The daycare lady says "you'd better take them to the doctor because it's not going away" (from experience, I KNOW the doctor will not do anything unless the kid(s) has had the fever for 5 days). She, however, was like "they can't be here if they are contagious." That's understandable, if they had something OTHER THAN A FREAKING cold, because guess where they caught said colds? That's right. AT DAYCARE! Fine. I actually want to make sure little dude's cough is nothing more. I make the appointments. Turns out I couldn't get anything earlier than 11:00 a.m. today. Ugh. I go in to work for 2+ hours and come home. Husband takes the mini in for service because the engine light came on. No biggy. He is going to meet me at the doctor's office. I pack up the kids. Let's keep in mind that it is about lunchtime and almost naptime. A recipe for disaster if either thing doesn't happen. OK. I pack up the kids and am off. I need to stop for gas. I fill 'er up. I start the car. I go to put the car in gear and THERE ARE NO GEARS. Right then and there my transmission broke. Seriously? AGGGHHH....

Cue big dude screaming-

I don't know WHY or WHAT got into him, but it was as if he got scared or something? Did he also see those $$$ flying out of my wallet?

I call husband. He is on the way. I call the doctor to tell them we are running late. They say I can be 15 minutes late otherwise forget it. Damn flu season.

Husband must have called trusty neighbor, because he showed up. We move carseats and kids into his truck. husband arrives to take care of the vehicle. Trusty neighbor and I take kids to the doctor (luckily we made it with time to spare).

Mind you, trusty neighbor is there to help... but he's not "mommy" so I am essentially juggling both kids. The freaking nurse starts shouting out orders... "strip the baby", "strip that other kid", "weigh the baby", "no wait, weigh the other kid", "what do you want to do mommy?"

Are you kidding me lady? Pick a kid and follow through, this is YOUR side show... sheesh! I was so irritated. Then she had the nerve to say "can you make the baby stop wiggling so this O SAT machine will work? What? Wiggling is a baby's middle name, you meant to tell me that the guy who invented said device wants the kid to sit still? HA! Joke's on HIM!

Well... once the doctor came in... all was better... he knew what he was doing and surprisingly the kids didn't melt down as badly as I anticipated. Well... as I assumed, they both have the crud which is better than an ear infectin or worse.

We go home.

Turns out the Escape is probably not worth fixing, so we have to buy a new car... IMMEDIATELY. Aggghhh.

-----------------------------------------

(continued, next day)

I had to borrow the trusty neighbors car/tank to get to work today.

Oh, and I just found out that the husband has to travel for work, starting Thursday... for 3 weeks. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I love my monkeys, but this is so true!!!!

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids!

Lesson 1.
1.Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night.
Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, Dora, Diego, and Yo Gabba Gabba. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel, Nick Jr or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

The day after the day after Christmas

Christmas has come and gone. It's hard to believe how quickly all this planning is turned into the past. Yikes. I am getting old.

Greyson, being just under 2 years old, still didn't quite "get" the whole Christmas thing... NEXT YEAR FOR SURE is what I am being told. Yay. I can't wait. JackJack of course was like "duh, gimmee my milk so I can go to sleep you maniacs!" He slept through the craziness of presents and what not. My two favorite pictures are:

Because they represent the boys favorite presents. We made the mistake of giving Greyson the bike first... b/c he then couldn't care less about the remaining presents. Rookie mistake on our part. And as for JackJack, a guy with a middle name like "Crash" HAS to have a guitar!!!

I took the tree down yesterday and although I love the holidays, I am glad they are over (well, almost, we have to get through New Year's Eve/Day). I'm glad to have the much needed space back from the tree "area."

Next on the "something to look forward to" is dude's birthday. I love planning birthdays for kids. It's the bomb.

I have about 3 weeks left before I return to work. It's bittersweet. I will miss being lazy (ha) and at home, spending time with little dude and all, but I will enjoy getting the mush out of my stagnant brain. The extra $$ will be nice too. I can't believe he is already almost 3 months old. WTF?

Things I would like to accomplish in the coming year.

• run a marathon
• get back into running shape, of course
• write a book... children's AND non-fiction (I've been wanting to write a children's book for a very long time now, this non-fiction one is a recent crazy idea)
• survive the first 12 months of a new little person
• make it back to Michigan for Christmas 2011... seriously... I haven't been in Michigan for Christmas in probably over 10 years... NUTS
• get crafty again
• be a better blogger
• give up processed sugars
• simplify my closet (already half-way there)
• travel somewhere cool... don't know if this one is in the budget this year.... I'm thinking Japan

Well... that's it for now. I probably won't post again until after the NY... so... Happy New Year to all of you! My idea of a perfect NY eve is getting to bed early... NYE is so overrated! But you crazy partiers have a good time, ya hear? Be safe, don't drink and drive or drive drunk.

HERE'S TO a FABULOUS 2011!!!!!

Welcome to the world baby Jack!

Greyson calls him "Jack Jack." I think it's homage to his favorite Pixar short "Jack Jack Attack." I hope life doesn't imitate art in this instance... because have YOU SEEN that short? Anyway... I digress.

Jackson Crash came into this world on October 11th at 11:56 a.m. I'll spare you the details of the grand entrance. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 13 ounces. He's just a little peanut. Especially when you compare him to my 26 lb toddler.

So far he is a very well mannered baby. He really only fusses when he is hungry. I can handle that. Knock on wood that it stays that way.

Greyson is an AWESOME big brother. So far so good in that department too. Knock on wood. He gives him kisses and shares his binky, lovey, water, crackers, hot dog, etc. Mostly I am happy that he doesn't freak out when I hold Jack Jack. If he needs some love, he just climbs up on my lap along with the babe. Good think I went on that crash diet, because, if you can believe it, there IS actually room on the rocker for all three of us. All in all a perfect situation.

So far I am not feeling any of the horrible feelings (anxiety) I felt with Greyson. I think it's a combination of a bunch of things... but mostly that I wasn't surprised with how tiring it is to have a newborn. Plus I have help (nanny), plus we are fully employed, plus I am staying busy. All things that weren't in place last time.

What else can I report on? Oh, slowly I am getting my body back. After feeling like I got beat up by a gang of shit flinging monkeys... I am slowly feeling better every day. My incision still hurts a bit and my guts are still sore. My feet are still swollen, but getting better slowly. Mainly I am tired, but that is the norm for new moms. Now if only I had unlimited $$ in the bank so I can do as much on-line shopping as possible. Ha. I wish.

Thanks for checking in and I hope to update more often.

I'm off, I'm off, I'm off to see the surgeon

the wonderful baby surgeon who will be excavating this baby out of my huge belly at 11 am this morning.

Thanks to all for the well wishes and happy thoughts. Keep 'em coming for at least another, mmm... say 12 months??? Thanks!

I am only days away from that Coors light. Unless I can get one snuck into the hospital... would that be bad parenting?

Stick a fork in me. I'm done.

I am SO OVER being pregnant. I'm sure this sounds awfully familiar to those last few days with Greyson... a lot of cussing going on around these parts and a lot of "anonymous" comments about how I shouldn't be cussing so much ON.MY.BLOG. Whatever. Hit that little red "x" in the upper right hand corner if you are not enjoying what you are reading here.
Sorry to vent but... that's what you get.
OK... so to start off... it's hot here in CA. Not normal "California sunny hot weather" but freaking HELL-ish hot weather. Like the world is ending hot weather. OMG! I am thankful that the whole summer hasn't been like that, but even just a week of it was impossible. Especially when you have a toddler who just like to be outside, even if he's sweating his balls off.

For those of you on the fence about having a baby... let me inform you of all the "great" things there are about being 9 months pregnant... in no particular order: **Fair warning- definitely TMI coming up**

• feet/ankles- you lose them. I can't remember the exact moment I lost them, but they are gone. My ankles are now just an extension of my calves. Lovely. My feet... I can barely fit into flip flops anymore. I don't have feet anymore, I have loaves of bread that I use to walk with.
• water retention- my skin is so stretched out from all of this extra fluid I am carrying it is sad. I touch my leg for example and there is a white mark left behind... like when you touch a sunburn. The heat does not help this situation.
• shaving of legs- just forget it. Besides the dangers of losing balance in the shower... I can barely bend over to reach all parts of the leg.
• shaving of other parts- again forget it. If I can't see it, I can't shave it... sure as hell ain't gonna try "blind."
• belly- ha. No surprise when I tell you it is HUGE. You don't appreciate your "thin" self more than when you have this giant beach ball stuck right in front of you. Bending over requires a sort of spread-eagle squat. You have to make room for your belly... so I sit spread-eagle too.
• belly button- I don't have a true "inny" so it hasn't popped out. It is just flat. Kinda weird to look at.
• shirts are no longer long enough- since nobody needs to be seeing this gross belly, I walk around tugging my shirt down to avoid exposing my bare belly to the world.
• boobs- big.
• weird skin tags and freckles and such- being of European decent, I have a lot of birth marks and what not. Hormones multiplies the number exponentially. You also get these "skin tags" that the dermatologist simply tells you to snip off with manicure scissors. Doesn't really hurt but it's freaky. I also have that "raccoon mask" thing you hear about. Basically I look like a raccoon. Lovely.
• Hair- I hear about women who rave about pregnancy hair. Mine started of looking mangy at first. Towards the end, it's not much better, but doesn't fall out as much. The fun part of this category starts after birth, when you hair falls out in clumps. Nice.
• Pooping- it doesn't help that we have to take iron pills, but man... the pooping is a problem. First of all... the poops are HUGE! Is this your body's way of practicing exporting something bigger than the escape hatch? WTH? Then... it's like doot doot doot do doo... all of a sudden you have to poop and you have to poop NOW. Not like, "oh, I feel something brewing, I'll poop when I get home." Nope. Doesn't work that way. When the feeling strikes, you've got to go NOW.
• Hemorrhoids- OMG... it's like your insides are now on your outside?? This crazy phenomenon has only occurred to me since getting pregnant. WTH is going on down there? Makes the whole pooping and wiping thing a bit more challenging. I guess it's from the pressure of the baby down there... not fun.
• Farting- sorry to say it but it's true. I'm not one to ever purposely fart b/c I think it's funny, but when you are this pregnant, it just comes out. No control. I guess it's from your metabolism slowing down or speeding up. I think it's from the baby moving so much, he produces a bunch of air bubbles inside and they need to come out. It's crazy though.
• Peeing- same thing. NOW is not soon enough. I literally can pee upstairs and walk down the stairs and need to pee again. Obviously walking, especially down stairs, produces more pee. So I get it, but the ability to hold it is GONE. Wiping is another story. Remember, you sort of have to bend to wipe, unless you have long arms. I don't. So it's a matter of several yoga moves to get the job done. Trust me, I get the job done. I'm not THAT gross.
• Sleeping- Ha ha. Jokes on you. This is pretty much non-existent. You can only sleep on your sides, and in this particular pregnancy, the little dude prefers only the one side. So, I "sleep" (and when I say sleep I mean lay quietly in the dark waiting for the sun to come back up) on one side for 8 hours. My hips, arms, ribs, back, legs, everything is either numb or in pain. I guess I prefer numb.
• Walking- I am in full waddle mode. I have to get up slowly and be cautious when walking. This belly is HEAVY! If I get up too quickly I may give myself a hernia. And I walk slowly b/c walking too fast is a) impossible and b)painful and c)tiring!
• Heartburn- OMG... I used to just get it if I ate too late in the evening or too much and layed down too soon after eating. Now I get it sitting straight up, all day long, whenever. Pleasant.
• I'm HOT- Not just normal hot, but boiling hot. If no one else lived in my house with me I would have the AC on full blast, set at like 65 degrees. No lie. Because I DO have other people living in my house, it is set at 75 degrees and I lie in bed boiling to death.
• Toddler- I have a 19 month old soon to be 20 month old toddler that still needs/wants to be carried around at times. Not easy. Last night for example when he woke up from a bad dream or something, I needed to rock him for an hour. AN HOUR, people. Not comfortable, not something I think I should even be doing. Then he thinks he can get all comfortable and spread himself over my body in weird positions, where it becomes virtually impossible for me to handle it for a minute longer. Moms deserve gold stars each time this has to be done.
• Tired- bottom line. I'm tired. Creating a new organ (placenta) and a new little person is exhausting. Pregnant women shouldn't have to do ANYTHING AT ALL, especially the last month. Stupid me is working up until the end. Why? Because I am stupid. I also somewhat think that being at work is slightly easier than carrying a toddler around or playing on the floor all day long. I have 8 work days left. We'll see if I make. it.
• Drinking alcohol- I'm not a huge drinker... at least I didn't used to be. I am craving an ice-cold Coors light SO BADLY. I also am craving red wine. My goal after this baby is born is to have a drink every evening as part of my "me time." Oh, and I want to start drinking coffee, mostly because I love the smell of it so much.

I think I have covered everything here. Have I scared you straight yet? Holy Moly. My own little pity party and you've been invited. I do have to say though that I've been good about not complaining for 97% of this pregnancy. Man, these last few weeks have been brutal though. Thanks for listening.

October 11th.... bring me a beer!

Sore loser? Maybe. In love with my boy, definately!

I just found out that Greyson did NOT win the Star Baby contest. I repeat, DID NOT WIN. I cried about it (seriously.... I could never be a pagent mom) and now I am in a horrible mood. The girl that did win is not ugly by any means, but Greyson is far cuter... and I'm sure has a much better personablity. I can't handle this rejection. No way I could ever do the pagent circuit. I would turn into a Lifetime movie mom who kills someone because of some contest. OMG. Save me from myself and don't ever let me enter the boys into another contest. WHAT A RIP!

Nanny day 1.

I am hiding out in my room right now in an effort to avoid getting Greyson all up in a tizzy. See... his new nanny started today. On top of the fact that he has like 6 teeth coming in at the same time, he also had his 18 month check up today... which ended in 2 shots. Yikes. Mom and Dad also had to get a shot each (it was a family Whooping Cough Par-tay). So we get home from the doc's and there is new nanny... and G wanted ZERO to do with her. Then he took a nap. A long nap. When he woke, she got him- no crying. She gave him a snack- no crying. I left the common area- no crying. So... I'm in hiding until it's time for me to relieve the nanny and become mommy again.

For the record... I love nanny. She made some AWESOME smelling enchilada's for dinner... can't wait to EAT. She is very sweet and loving... the dude just needs to realize what he's got.

Update on little dude. 10 more weeks to go. We're in the home stretch. I CANNOT WAIT TO DRINK A BEER. Oh, and touch my toes. That would be nice too. Touching my toes while drinking a beer would really top it all.

Thanks for checking in.

ok... now for the update

I've been away for awhile... sorry. I know my 3 readers are wondering what I've been up to. Believe it or not, blogging was just one more thing that overwhelmed me and made me anxious. So that's the reason I haven't blogged. It was just one more thing I felt like I had to do but didn't have time for... blahblahblah.

Anyway... let's see. As you already know, I have PPA and am still dealing with it. It started to get better and then we decided to try for another kid and now it's all coming back. The anxiety. This time I will be better prepared, but it is still very anxiety producing for me.

Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas came and went. Greyson had a good Christmas. He is sill too young to really get it. I worked myself up thinking he would be all into opening presents and such but he couldn't care less. Oh well. My fault for getting my hopes up. New Year's came and went. I went to bed at like 9:00 p.m. My favorite way to spend New Year's Eve!

My next "focus on this" project it the dude's birthday party. I need these little milestones to look forward to and to focus on, otherwise I feel like I am spinning out of control. So, his 1st birthday party is coming up. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???!!!! It's almost been a whole year!! Yes, I have the "I survived PPA" badge posted over there to the right... but I am not over it yet. I still have it... I just figured that posting that badge is thinking positive and hopefully that would help. But to think that it's been a year already... wow.. time DOES fly!

What else? I've been working and being a mommy. That's all I can really account for. I seriously can't think of anything else that I have done. I haven't worked on any projects, because the thought of it overwhelms me (it's the PPA thing). So basically I wake up, go to work, pick the dude up from daycare, play, take care of dude, make dinner and then go to bed. That is my life. Which is fine, but I just wish I didn't feel like puking all of the time.

So... without further ado... here are some pics....

tuff

It's hard to explain what I am going through right now... but here are a couple of blogs that I just started to follow... what I have is called Postpartum Anxiety or PPA. I guess it's more common than I thought... but no one talks about it. I wish they did... I never thought it would happen to me and I'm sometimes still in a sort of denial about it... mind over matter I hope!

Here are the blogs:

Confessions of a first time mom

and

Postpartum Progress