just funny.... this is totally me!

via Pinterest (original source unknown)

ugh... not again.

Little dude is 7 months old. And about 2-3 months ago I started to get *that* feeling again. *THAT* feeling being one of anxiety and panic. If you recall, I was diagnosed with Post-Partum Anxiety (PPA) after the dude was born. It sucked and it was so bad that I couldn't bear doing it all over again, but I couldn't bear leaving dude without a sibling even more, so I did it again. This time around though, I thought for sure I would have escaped this dreaded disorder. But lo and behold... it's back! It sucks. I hate it. I am SO SICK of feeling sick, nauseated, anxious, and panicky. It's all I can do to just get through the day... work or otherwise. EVERYTHING overwhelms me. The thought of doing ANYTHING out of routine or off schedule panics me even more. Obviously I manage it by keeping things to a minimum... no extra-curriculare activities, sticking to a routine, etc. BUT... I still feel it. Some days are definately better than others.
WHY I CAN'T JUST BE ONE OF THOSE HAPPY GO-LUCKY MOMS???

So... if you are one of those people that I used to talk to a lot, or hang out with a lot ... sorry... but I have resorted to my cave for awhile... I promise to be my old self again one day.... soon I hope.

Welcome to the world baby Jack!

Greyson calls him "Jack Jack." I think it's homage to his favorite Pixar short "Jack Jack Attack." I hope life doesn't imitate art in this instance... because have YOU SEEN that short? Anyway... I digress.

Jackson Crash came into this world on October 11th at 11:56 a.m. I'll spare you the details of the grand entrance. He weighed in at 7 lbs, 13 ounces. He's just a little peanut. Especially when you compare him to my 26 lb toddler.

So far he is a very well mannered baby. He really only fusses when he is hungry. I can handle that. Knock on wood that it stays that way.

Greyson is an AWESOME big brother. So far so good in that department too. Knock on wood. He gives him kisses and shares his binky, lovey, water, crackers, hot dog, etc. Mostly I am happy that he doesn't freak out when I hold Jack Jack. If he needs some love, he just climbs up on my lap along with the babe. Good think I went on that crash diet, because, if you can believe it, there IS actually room on the rocker for all three of us. All in all a perfect situation.

So far I am not feeling any of the horrible feelings (anxiety) I felt with Greyson. I think it's a combination of a bunch of things... but mostly that I wasn't surprised with how tiring it is to have a newborn. Plus I have help (nanny), plus we are fully employed, plus I am staying busy. All things that weren't in place last time.

What else can I report on? Oh, slowly I am getting my body back. After feeling like I got beat up by a gang of shit flinging monkeys... I am slowly feeling better every day. My incision still hurts a bit and my guts are still sore. My feet are still swollen, but getting better slowly. Mainly I am tired, but that is the norm for new moms. Now if only I had unlimited $$ in the bank so I can do as much on-line shopping as possible. Ha. I wish.

Thanks for checking in and I hope to update more often.

ok... now for the update

I've been away for awhile... sorry. I know my 3 readers are wondering what I've been up to. Believe it or not, blogging was just one more thing that overwhelmed me and made me anxious. So that's the reason I haven't blogged. It was just one more thing I felt like I had to do but didn't have time for... blahblahblah.

Anyway... let's see. As you already know, I have PPA and am still dealing with it. It started to get better and then we decided to try for another kid and now it's all coming back. The anxiety. This time I will be better prepared, but it is still very anxiety producing for me.

Thanksgiving came and went. Christmas came and went. Greyson had a good Christmas. He is sill too young to really get it. I worked myself up thinking he would be all into opening presents and such but he couldn't care less. Oh well. My fault for getting my hopes up. New Year's came and went. I went to bed at like 9:00 p.m. My favorite way to spend New Year's Eve!

My next "focus on this" project it the dude's birthday party. I need these little milestones to look forward to and to focus on, otherwise I feel like I am spinning out of control. So, his 1st birthday party is coming up. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???!!!! It's almost been a whole year!! Yes, I have the "I survived PPA" badge posted over there to the right... but I am not over it yet. I still have it... I just figured that posting that badge is thinking positive and hopefully that would help. But to think that it's been a year already... wow.. time DOES fly!

What else? I've been working and being a mommy. That's all I can really account for. I seriously can't think of anything else that I have done. I haven't worked on any projects, because the thought of it overwhelms me (it's the PPA thing). So basically I wake up, go to work, pick the dude up from daycare, play, take care of dude, make dinner and then go to bed. That is my life. Which is fine, but I just wish I didn't feel like puking all of the time.

So... without further ado... here are some pics....

a good start to describe what PPA is like...

this is borrowed from Postpartum Progress

....."You may have postpartum anxiety or OCD if you have had a baby within the last 12 months and are experiencing some of these symptoms:

• Your thoughts are racing. You can't quiet your mind. You can't settle down. You can't relax.
• You feel like you have to be doing something at all times. Cleaning bottles. Cleaning baby clothes. Cleaning the house. Doing work. Entertaining the baby. Checking on the baby.
• You are worried. Really worried. All. The. Time. Am I doing this right? Will my husband come home from his trip? Will the baby wake up? Is the baby eating enough? Is there something wrong with the baby that I'm missing? No matter what anyone says to reassure you it doesn't help.
• You may be having disturbing thoughts. Thoughts that you've never had before. Thoughts that make you wonder whether you aren't the person you thought you were. They fly into your head unwanted and you know they aren't right, that this isn't the real you, but they terrify you and they won't go away. These thoughts may start with the words "What if ..."
• You are afraid to be alone with your baby because of the thoughts. You are also afraid of things in your house that could potentially cause harm, like kitchen knives or stairs, and you avoid them like the plague.
• You have to check things constantly. Did I lock the door? Did I lock the car? Did I turn off the oven? Is the baby breathing?
• You may be having physical symptoms like stomach cramps or headaches, shakiness or nausea. You might even have panic attacks.
• You feel like a captive animal, pacing back and forth in a cage. Restless. On edge.
• You can't eat. You have no appetite.
• You can't sleep. You are so, so tired, but you can't sleep.
• You feel a sense of dread all the time, like something terrible is going to happen.
• You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you've "gone crazy".
• You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you've lost the "old you" forever.
• You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.

Now that you've gone through these lists are you thinking "How the heck does this lady know me? Is there a hidden camera in here?" Nope. What this should tell you is that you are NOT alone and you are NOT a freak and you are NOThighly unusual. If you are having these feelings and symptoms then it is possible you are experiencing a common disorder that 15 to 20% of new mothers have, and it is completely treatable........"

I don't have ALL of these symptoms but I have most of them... I feel like a freak.

tuff

It's hard to explain what I am going through right now... but here are a couple of blogs that I just started to follow... what I have is called Postpartum Anxiety or PPA. I guess it's more common than I thought... but no one talks about it. I wish they did... I never thought it would happen to me and I'm sometimes still in a sort of denial about it... mind over matter I hope!

Here are the blogs:

Confessions of a first time mom

and

Postpartum Progress