seriously though...

this is a hard post to post b/c it's just sad.  I don't have many readers out there so I feel ok "airing my dirty laundry" on this blog...but mainly I just need an outlet to talk/write about what is going on with me lately.  A year ago I "scheduled" that triplet ultrasound photo as an April Fool's gag... telling the world I am expecting triplets...  not knowing that a year later "then there were three" would take on a whole new meaning.  What I am trying to spit out is that I have made a life changing decision to separate from my husband, so now it's me and the boys... the three of us.  Granted, they see him all of the time, but now I define my family as a family of three.  I don't want to bash the hubs or anything and nothing is legal... we are "trying" this separation to see what happens.  Clearly if all parties are happier apart, then we would move forward with the legal stuff.  I don't want to make any rash decisions.  I certainly would never regret getting married to him... because of him I have the two most amazing boys ever... and they are who they are because of the exact combination of the two of us.  However, he and I just don't work as a couple.  We've been forcing it and it is just not working.  We don't fight, we don't argue... he's actually a good guy- would give me the shirt off his back and jump in front of a train for us... but we are just SOOOOOOOOOOO different.  There are no sparks.  There is no fun.  We don't talk at all.  We don't laugh.  I was once told that I am very motivated by fun... there's some personality test or something that describes what you are motivated by and mine was fun.  I get that.  Especially now.  Fun used to make me think of "not serious" and that someone motivated by fun was just a goof off, but I DO like to have fun and I think that even in the worst of situations a little fun (sarcastic maybe) can be had.  I figure, when something goes sour, I have 2 choices.  I can laugh about it or I can cry about it... I'd rather laugh.  

So... this has been the first week of this separation and it's been tough getting used to a new routine... but I have to believe that I have a right to be happy and to laugh and find joy in every day.  I want that for him too.  I most especially want it for the boys.  If that means having two happy but separate parents, instead of having parents that are together but not having fun or finding joy, then it needs to be separate.  They deserve to learn what happy is.

I am trying to get my happy back.

I am trying to get a fresh start.

Bear with me.  This is all new to me.  Well, technically not new to me since I am a child of divorce.  If it comes to that I SWEAR I will do everything in my power to make it peaceful.  I SWEAR.