Stick a fork in me. I'm done.

I am SO OVER being pregnant. I'm sure this sounds awfully familiar to those last few days with Greyson... a lot of cussing going on around these parts and a lot of "anonymous" comments about how I shouldn't be cussing so much ON.MY.BLOG. Whatever. Hit that little red "x" in the upper right hand corner if you are not enjoying what you are reading here.
Sorry to vent but... that's what you get.
OK... so to start off... it's hot here in CA. Not normal "California sunny hot weather" but freaking HELL-ish hot weather. Like the world is ending hot weather. OMG! I am thankful that the whole summer hasn't been like that, but even just a week of it was impossible. Especially when you have a toddler who just like to be outside, even if he's sweating his balls off.

For those of you on the fence about having a baby... let me inform you of all the "great" things there are about being 9 months pregnant... in no particular order: **Fair warning- definitely TMI coming up**

• feet/ankles- you lose them. I can't remember the exact moment I lost them, but they are gone. My ankles are now just an extension of my calves. Lovely. My feet... I can barely fit into flip flops anymore. I don't have feet anymore, I have loaves of bread that I use to walk with.
• water retention- my skin is so stretched out from all of this extra fluid I am carrying it is sad. I touch my leg for example and there is a white mark left behind... like when you touch a sunburn. The heat does not help this situation.
• shaving of legs- just forget it. Besides the dangers of losing balance in the shower... I can barely bend over to reach all parts of the leg.
• shaving of other parts- again forget it. If I can't see it, I can't shave it... sure as hell ain't gonna try "blind."
• belly- ha. No surprise when I tell you it is HUGE. You don't appreciate your "thin" self more than when you have this giant beach ball stuck right in front of you. Bending over requires a sort of spread-eagle squat. You have to make room for your belly... so I sit spread-eagle too.
• belly button- I don't have a true "inny" so it hasn't popped out. It is just flat. Kinda weird to look at.
• shirts are no longer long enough- since nobody needs to be seeing this gross belly, I walk around tugging my shirt down to avoid exposing my bare belly to the world.
• boobs- big.
• weird skin tags and freckles and such- being of European decent, I have a lot of birth marks and what not. Hormones multiplies the number exponentially. You also get these "skin tags" that the dermatologist simply tells you to snip off with manicure scissors. Doesn't really hurt but it's freaky. I also have that "raccoon mask" thing you hear about. Basically I look like a raccoon. Lovely.
• Hair- I hear about women who rave about pregnancy hair. Mine started of looking mangy at first. Towards the end, it's not much better, but doesn't fall out as much. The fun part of this category starts after birth, when you hair falls out in clumps. Nice.
• Pooping- it doesn't help that we have to take iron pills, but man... the pooping is a problem. First of all... the poops are HUGE! Is this your body's way of practicing exporting something bigger than the escape hatch? WTH? Then... it's like doot doot doot do doo... all of a sudden you have to poop and you have to poop NOW. Not like, "oh, I feel something brewing, I'll poop when I get home." Nope. Doesn't work that way. When the feeling strikes, you've got to go NOW.
• Hemorrhoids- OMG... it's like your insides are now on your outside?? This crazy phenomenon has only occurred to me since getting pregnant. WTH is going on down there? Makes the whole pooping and wiping thing a bit more challenging. I guess it's from the pressure of the baby down there... not fun.
• Farting- sorry to say it but it's true. I'm not one to ever purposely fart b/c I think it's funny, but when you are this pregnant, it just comes out. No control. I guess it's from your metabolism slowing down or speeding up. I think it's from the baby moving so much, he produces a bunch of air bubbles inside and they need to come out. It's crazy though.
• Peeing- same thing. NOW is not soon enough. I literally can pee upstairs and walk down the stairs and need to pee again. Obviously walking, especially down stairs, produces more pee. So I get it, but the ability to hold it is GONE. Wiping is another story. Remember, you sort of have to bend to wipe, unless you have long arms. I don't. So it's a matter of several yoga moves to get the job done. Trust me, I get the job done. I'm not THAT gross.
• Sleeping- Ha ha. Jokes on you. This is pretty much non-existent. You can only sleep on your sides, and in this particular pregnancy, the little dude prefers only the one side. So, I "sleep" (and when I say sleep I mean lay quietly in the dark waiting for the sun to come back up) on one side for 8 hours. My hips, arms, ribs, back, legs, everything is either numb or in pain. I guess I prefer numb.
• Walking- I am in full waddle mode. I have to get up slowly and be cautious when walking. This belly is HEAVY! If I get up too quickly I may give myself a hernia. And I walk slowly b/c walking too fast is a) impossible and b)painful and c)tiring!
• Heartburn- OMG... I used to just get it if I ate too late in the evening or too much and layed down too soon after eating. Now I get it sitting straight up, all day long, whenever. Pleasant.
• I'm HOT- Not just normal hot, but boiling hot. If no one else lived in my house with me I would have the AC on full blast, set at like 65 degrees. No lie. Because I DO have other people living in my house, it is set at 75 degrees and I lie in bed boiling to death.
• Toddler- I have a 19 month old soon to be 20 month old toddler that still needs/wants to be carried around at times. Not easy. Last night for example when he woke up from a bad dream or something, I needed to rock him for an hour. AN HOUR, people. Not comfortable, not something I think I should even be doing. Then he thinks he can get all comfortable and spread himself over my body in weird positions, where it becomes virtually impossible for me to handle it for a minute longer. Moms deserve gold stars each time this has to be done.
• Tired- bottom line. I'm tired. Creating a new organ (placenta) and a new little person is exhausting. Pregnant women shouldn't have to do ANYTHING AT ALL, especially the last month. Stupid me is working up until the end. Why? Because I am stupid. I also somewhat think that being at work is slightly easier than carrying a toddler around or playing on the floor all day long. I have 8 work days left. We'll see if I make. it.
• Drinking alcohol- I'm not a huge drinker... at least I didn't used to be. I am craving an ice-cold Coors light SO BADLY. I also am craving red wine. My goal after this baby is born is to have a drink every evening as part of my "me time." Oh, and I want to start drinking coffee, mostly because I love the smell of it so much.

I think I have covered everything here. Have I scared you straight yet? Holy Moly. My own little pity party and you've been invited. I do have to say though that I've been good about not complaining for 97% of this pregnancy. Man, these last few weeks have been brutal though. Thanks for listening.

October 11th.... bring me a beer!