Son of a bitch... oh wait, I take that back.
29 hours later and I am STILL at home, STILL contracting and STILL waiting for this baby to come.out.of.my.uterus.
OK... I don't consider myself a wimp by any means. I have run a marathon (26.2 miles) WITHOUT TRAINING! (I don't recommend trying THAT at home!). But can I just tell you how much these fucking contractions hurt? Oh yeah. Don't let them fool you. They talk all about that lovely thing called an epidural... what they don't tell you is that you first have to go through HELL to get it. Oh yeah... it's not so simple people. You have to be a certain point in your labor to EARN the epidural. CAN YOU TELL THAT I AM NOT THERE YET? Fuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.
Last night at dinner... I started contracting at 5 minute intervals... the hospital said, if I hit the 3-5 minute mark for two hours, it would be time to come in. So yeah, they start, every 5 minutes, during dinner, while I am trying to eat my yummy spaghetti. Every 5 minutes. Bite bite, CRINGE. Bite, bite, CRINGE. OW! Mother of God they hurt! One hour passes. Get home, trying to pass the time, another hour of 5 minute (actually they varied from 2-6 minutes- yeah, the 2 minute ones are a JOY. As soon as one ends another starts... good times) contractions. OK... golden, we call the hospital and they say... come on in. We gather our crap and go in.
What happens next? Oh, the contractions slow down and get easier? W.T.F.? I compare it to when you take your car in for that "crazy knocking you hear on the highway" only for he mechanic to say "we tried everything ma'am, but we don't hear that knocking." So, I'm hooked up to a monitor, and yes, am having contractions, but they were the rainbows and sunshine variety... not the ones I was having at the restaurant and at home (and right now as I type)... you know... the Nazi, Hitler, Mother Fucker variety. I get my cervix checked (this time was not bad at all... whew... last time they checked I had to go to the hospital and complete a rape kit... I was SO violated and it HURT!!!) Anyway... she checks me (SUPER NICE nurse, almost my BFF at Kaiser- until she sent me home) and I am 1/2 a centimeter dilated. WHAT? 1/2 a centimeter. Not even a whole centimeter? OMG! You have GOT to be fucking kidding me. All of that for 1/2 a centimeter? I hate the metric system as it is. But THIS really pushed me over the edge. So, off we go... discharge papers in hand, suggesting I "return to my normal activities." Oh sure, like I'm going to go play a fucking round of tennis or something? Listen people... my "normal activities" lately basically involve my uterus having a stroke.
So here I am... Tuesday morning... I had contractions all last night... throughout the whole night... meaning I didn't sleep b/c every 15 minutes or so I wanted to kill myself. I'm sure I'm no more than 3/4 a centimeter now, they'll probably have to introduce a new scale just for me. They said not to come back until I was bleeding from the eyes... errrrrr... I mean, until the contractions are 3-4 minutes apart for at least an hour. Oh, and she said "they should be much stronger than this (the rainbows and sunshine ones)." No shit.
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7 comments:
OK, I know you are going to want to kill me for saying this, but what you just wrote was probably the most funny thing I ever read!!!! Again, I know you hate me about now, but after you have the little dud you WILL laugh as well reading this.
Good luck girl. Love ya!!!
Naomi
Oh Christine, I'm so sorry! I know you're going through hell right now but Naomi is right- you'll enjoy re-reading this post in a few months and you'll remember these days fondly!
I know it's the last thing you want to do right now, but get up in the saddle and knock some boots!! ;-) I've heard it does wonders to kick start labor! If that fails go eat some super spicy food and take as long a walk as you can manage.
Hang in there sweetie- it will all be over soon! Good luck!
Wendy
Wow! That sounds pretty darn painful...why don't you just head down to Mission Beach and do your regular 6-miler...that should do it. ha, ha, ha! J/K. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I'm with Naomi...HILARIOUS blog! I hope he comes soon...for your sake and Tony's! :)
Love ya,
Rachel
HILARIOUS BLOG GIGI, AND IS PAINFUL JUST TO RED IT BUT KEEP THOSE CONTRACTIONS COMING SOON .I WILL HAVE MY GRANDSON. HOPE ITS VERY SOON FOR YOUR SAKE AND TONYS. LOVE YOU BOTH LOVE MOM AND DAD
Christine you really are too funny. I guess you'll have to shave your legs again and take another shower. It will all be worth it when your little guy gets here. I feel your pain. Did your water break yet? Once that happens they won't let you suffer too much longer. I guess i shouldn't tell you that they had to break my water.
Love your girl!
Donna
I left work early just so I could get to a computer that accesses Blogspot -- just for you! OMG, this just clinches what my uncle told my mother the day I was being born, "It's a lot more fun going in than coming out!" Hang in there, it's all worth it. I'm looking at little Macy right now and know this to be true. Lotsa love -- Shannon
Thinking of you Christine!!!!
Can't wait to see the little guy and hear about the rest of your journey!
XOXO,
Tracey
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